And I don't feel like being emotional tonight.
Yet, today, my husband received a letter from VAC confirming that he was denied...it was expected. Tomorrow, we have another «Quality of life» form to fill in..once more.
I feel like being sarcastic tonight. I wish I had a fun form to fill in.. A form that would be talking to me:
What if VAC wanted to know me?
Collateral Damage of Our National Hero
Dear Canadian Collateral Damage,
Veterans Affairs Canada is highly concerned about the upcoming elections and in order to make the Canadians believe that we care about Our National Heroes, we have determined that we could waste time and money to elaborate a Quality of Life form that would allow us to prove our consistency in regards of our famous motto: «Delay, Deny and Die» when it comes to the recognition of Collateral Damages such as yourself.
VAC would like to thank you personally for serving your country in silence, hand-in-hand with Our National Hero, and as a token of our appreciation, we would like to keep you busy by inviting you to answer these simple questions that will allow us to elaborate a form that will truly and efficiently complicate your life as much as possible.
Please note that if your answers do not satisfy us, we might loose the present document and make you answer over and over, as many times as we feel necessary, based on our strategy to locate only the satisfied customers of VAC.
You are invited to follow us on Twitter and Facebook to hear about testimonies from Collateral Damages such as yourself who survived without us and didn't cost us a dime: we believe they deserve this country's respect and admiration.
Veterans Affairs Canada
Proudly serving veterans AND THEIR FAMILIES since 1961.
1) VAC is dedicated to reach out to Collateral Damages such as yourself. In order to develop a «Quality of life» form adapted to your intellectual and emotional capabilities, please tell us if you are:
a) A woman
b) A man
c) A service dog walking on 2 legs
e) Angry at VAC.
2) VAC is dedicated to make you believe that we care about Collateral Damages such as yourself. In order to help us determine the complexity of the questions we will elaborate to drive you crazy as much as possible, please indicate which of the following statements describes you:
a) I am between 18 and 64 years old and am legally considered to be alive;
b) I am under 64 years old but I feel like 70 years old or more: ( please specify the age:____)
c) Younger than I look.
d) Old enough to be angry at VAC.
3) VAC is dedicated to talk to Collateral Damages such as yourself in a language that you understand and reflects your environment. Please choose the statement that describes you:
1) I am a Queen-of-the-House living with Rambo. We live happily in a fortress and we deal with our shit together.
2) My husbands says that «I'm a bitch who's always complaining and never satisfied» and I think he's «an asshole always complaining and never satisfied»: we make a great team and we like to deal our shit on Facebook.
3) Very happy after a bottle of wine/Ativan/puffs of marijuana
4) I am hoping that VAC will give my husband what he's entitle too so he'll be able to move on.
4) VAC is dedicated to bullshit Collateral Damages such as yourself with respect and dignity about the numerous services available to you. How would you describe your knowledge of the many different -and terrific- services provided by VAC?
a) Perfect: I live with a veteran with PTSD who already knows everything there is to know about them, who keeps thinking about them and keeps talking about them on a daily basis.
b) I don't know what VAC is but the guy in the TV add was cute. I love guys in uniform.
c) I don't need to know because I trust my government when it says that everything is available, adapted, accessible and terrific. And I think M. O'Toole is very convincing on Facebook.
d) Excellent: «Delay, Deny and Die».
5) VAC is dedicated to provide all Collateral Damages such as yourself a fair treatment. Please indicate the order you believe would be preferable for you:
a) Deny, Die, Delay
b) Die, Delay, Deny
c) Delay, Die, Deny
d) I believe you are applying the right combination: Delay, Deny, Die.
6) VAC is dedicated to make sure Collateral Damages such as yourself become stronger and resilient. During your experience with VAC, you will be provided with a number of opportunities to grow as a person. Which one would you prefer?
a) I would love to live the whole package: «Delay, deny, die»
b) I would love to develop an allergy to brown envelops
c) I would like to explore all the levels of the appeal system and see you treat my husband like if he was a criminal trying to prove his innocence
d) I would love for you to ignore me and make me feel like I'm nothing to you.
7) VAC is dedicated to make sure collateral damages like yourself become independent. During your experience with VAC, you will be provided with a number of opportunities to develop skills and abilities of all kind. Which one of the following statements describes you the best?
a) I love scrapbooking and genealogy: I want to be able to recognize any pill by its shape and color and know its brand name, its common and generic name, the side-effects and the name of the guy who prescribes them.
b) I love war movies and I practice yoga: I want to be able to know my husband's story better than himself and be provided with opportunities to test my knowledge and my abilities to represent him (ex: verbally to as many people as possible (indicate how many: ____), by writing (letters, emails and repetition of the «quality of life» form) as often as possible.
c) I love CSI Miami and I support Greenpeace: I want to raise my level of arguments and develop a better control of my anger in general by having to learn about VAC's policies to defend my husband's case and by living a full-exposure experience: provide a sample of my DNA to talk to somebody, be ignored every time it's possible, etc...
d) I love to travel and I think Martha Stuart is the greatest: I want to develop my bureaucratic organization skill by receiving, understanding, answering, forwarding to the write person, scanning, returning and classifying tons of unnecessary forms and letters;
e) I love The X-Files and I am against death penalty: I want to be able to raise my self confidence by being provided with opportunities to test my own sanity (loss of documents, misinformation, lack of information, etc..); by being provided with opportunities to live successes (determine the content of a brown envelop based on its shape, size, sender's address and thickness, determine the number of weeks for a call to be returned, etc..).
8) VAC is dedicated to provide to Collateral Damages such as yourself adapted tools to facilitate the challenges you are trying to convince us you are facing. Please indicate the kind of support you would appreciate (select one):
a) An orientation kit (including a GPS, an agenda, a magnetic calendar, and a note book) to coordinate your daily schedule. NOTE: Your status as «Collateral Damage» does NOT qualify you to receive the allowance anybody else would when you accompany our National Hero to his appointments.
b) An extension to your house (designated as «Our National Hero's decompress place») to ease the expression of anger and to give him his «alone time» in a perfect environment. NOTE: You are not allowed to go in and the numbers of doors and windows will be determine by Our National Hero
c) A support system that truly responds to you: an entire year of free Ativan, Medical marijuana, red wine, sweets and chips (one choice only) for you to learn to love yourself in your fortress, appreciate what you have and to treat yourself properly when you need it the most.
Thank you for your collaboration and keep on smiling.