This is, without a doubt, what you are to me.
13 years ago, at Valentine Day, you picked me up from my job at noon and you brought me in a quiet parking lot in your super-super-super-clean-car: I smile remembering that we had to make sure that no one would see us together, as you were still officially «my client» and I was your «employment counselor».
All the risks we took.... and after all these years we still laugh about it. Each year, one of us always says: «I hope they know we are still together!»Yes Baby..you and I were always a little rebellious together, from the very beginning.
So you parked the car in the best possible spot - now, I realize how «safe» we were- and we started talking like we always would, both of us feeling that magical discomfort of mutual desire that is not revealed yet. You looked so shy..so tender..so sweet. I didn't know how you felt about me and I remember clearly when you handed me a card and a small box of pieces of chocolate
Now you know that I usually hate stuffed pieces of chocolate and for me, giving a box of chocolate at Valentine Day, it's like using an old and used pick-up line: you know that I love creativity more than conformity, adventure more than routine.
As for me, I also had a card for you -as your employment counselor- and I also too, had a gift:
A note pad with your name on it..«post-it» style. I know you still have it somewhere in a box in the basement.
Now THIS is creativity. Not very romantic, I admit, but it was my way of telling you that YOU were my Valentine. Knowing what I know about you today, I'm not sure you made the connection between my gift and what I was trying to tell you. But it was part of your charm, what was making you so attractive to me... the sweet-tender-almost-naive-ex-military-tough-guy. Today, I could almost see it as a prophecy, being heard by «Klode» would become the most important challenge I would have to overcome in my life. Without knowing it, «Rambo» was already a part of you.
Yes Baby, from the very beginning, I saw the man you are behind your invisible military uniform, behind the PTSD that was already haunting you inside without knowing what it was. I always saw your soul into your eyes.
Never the less, I can assure you that those pieces of chocolate I had were amazing... the best...the only time in my life where I truly loved stuffed pieces of chocolate, it's that time. I mean: DE-VI-NE. At one point, caramel fell on my shirt, half-way between my neck and my breast.
That made me a «lady in distress» to you.
You were into your second year of retirement and were still very much into «I see a problem, I must find a solution immediately». You were still very organized-military-style: of course, you had a little napkin hidden in the glove compartment and kindly offered your help to clean up this terrible life threatening sticky mess.
I didn't hesitate too long.. I mean, after all, I was a lady in distress, in a car, with a real warrior who was not afraid of caramel. I had no choice but to let you be the man you were trained to be and save me from going back to work with a caramel stain on my shirt. It was unacceptable to you, anyway.
You saved my life, destroying the caramel tapping on it both respectfully and nervously. Did you spit on the napkin? I don't remember...You were so cute.. I was so nervous.. And when you were satisfied with the -ultraperfect- result, you looked at me in the eyes and softly asked:
Can I kiss you?
Yes, I answered, of course you can.
I'll never forget the tenderness of your lips.
This first kiss sealed our destiny together
13 years later...
We don't know if this is our last Valentine Day together or not, as a couple. In a twisted way, this is good news become it was clear to both of us that one of us wouldn't make it until next Valentine Day. No one could reach us anymore, as we were perfectly hermetic and sealed from within the fortress. A long descent that started years ago was about to have an end.
On January 20th, you decided to stop taking your medication. I hated you for being so selfish. I hated you for imposing more on my shoulders when I was already crawling. I hated you for keeping me silent about it. I hated you for getting so angry at me.
I hated you for the mental prison I was stuck in that was about to kill me, thorn between my own survival instinct as a human being and between my profound guilt of abandonment.
Then, we had a talk. After 3 weeks of being free of all the pills that would affect you, your mind is clear.
You gave me the breathe I needed by giving me my freedom. I realized you are breathing yourself by knowing what you want for you. You saved us both by being a warrior rising from the ashes, against the whole world.
I'm on your side, Baby. No matter what it will take from me, I will be there for you, in your empowerment process. I will be there to support the man, my man, who was dying behind the invisible uniform. My man who was dying in complete darkness.
If we are not together next year, it will be because the system killed us, not because we didn't love each other». We both agreed to this fact, while we had the most liberating conversation we've had in the past 13 years. We made peace with our past together. For the first time, we connected with each other on a new level.
I don't know who you will become, who you will choose to become. This is your fundamental right and obligation to be yourself. I don't know if you will still love me...the woman I am becoming too. Who will we be? Will we survive? You will you become at 53 years old? Who will I become at 42?
You understood how much the past years have impacted me..you know I still love you..but my desire to become myself too is burning me. Now that you have giving me a future to see, you are allowing me to use my own fundamental right and obligation to be myself.
«I'll be there for you, in your empowerment process, even if this is the last thing I can humanly do. Even it means that I fall after», I told you, crying softly. I am so determine to stand up against the whole Universe for you if I have to. You deserve that quality of life. It's so inspiring
I understand, your answered. I understand how tired you are. I understand that your love might me fading away. I want to tell you that I'm now besides you. If you fall, I will be there to pick you up, I promise.
And you touched my soul when you added:
«And as for your love for me, I haven't said my last word, yet.»
It's not Rambo who said it..it's my husband who wants to conquer me back. That night, we made love like a woman and a man with no past, with no future
Baby, it was the best Valentine Day ever.
I love you.
I love you not as a caregiver.
I love you not as a vet's spouse.
I love you as the woman you made me become.
You are a warrior rising from the ashes, beautiful, powerful and so strong. No matter what the future will be like for us, our destiny was sealed by a single kiss.
ici pour modifier.