My husband suggested that I write something «positive» about PTSD and I understand the reason of his request: after all, every single time I write is about the dark side of our fortress. I should express more often my respect for the token of love, the «freedom of speech», he is giving me.
No, wait: that's a half-false-truth. Reality is, every single time I write is about my emotional perception of our dark side. And no, I never wrote an entire text praising him and/or PTSD in our lives.
His suggestion sounds legit, don't you agree? He too, needs to read something fully positive about him/us/PTSD. And to be honest, I had to think about it. Balancing my individuality, my experience and my written answer to a very basic but fundamental question is not that easy.
What can I say fully positive about PTSD in my fortress...enough for a blog post? Something that would represent my perception while I'm not sure who I am myself anymore?
If we are still together after all we have been through as a couple, there must be something very positive that can be talked about for a least 20 paragraphs, wouldn't you agree? Not to mention that our resume as a couple also includes dealing with a number of extra curricular issues: dyspraxia, personality disorder, alcohol, depressions, gambling, death, financial loss...
4 children. 3 ex. 2 PTSD. 1 fortress. DND. VAC. Integration to civilian life. Would I be exaggerating or dramatizing if i added «detox in progress» to the list?
And we are still together. We are going through a tough period but we are crossing the bridge in peace, hand in hand, almost, making the best out of it. In peace with the future but determined to make it work for both of us. Working as team, both convinced of the existence of a strong bond that nothing was able to completely destroy: the love we share one for another, deep down.
So yes, I believe I would have enough elements to write a magnificent bed-time love story about a warrior named Rambo, a Queen-of-the House and the SuperPower of Love. My Quebecer's blood would also allow me to put a little 50 Shades of AirForce Blue for a little bit more punch for the public's entertainment and make you dream about the deepness of our conversations when we are both under the influence of marijuana: how we so beautifully connect intellectually and emotionally in the 5th dimension. Is this the kind of response you are looking forward to read?
Or maybe you would rather a read a spiritual share-my-pain description of our journey? Magdalena washing Jesus feet with her tears and drying them with her hair. The sufferings. The hate. The love. You would want me to describe how love is so beautiful while making you want to hear little naked Angels blowing the trumpets? How everything is so worth it? The warrior rising from the dead using words like «wounded», «hero», «courage», «love, love, love»,«war», «sacrifices», «pain», «brothers and sisters» like a thick layer of Nutella on your morning toasts?
Sorry I can't. I just cannot be that person.
It's not my fault but all the planets were aligned from the moment I was born for me not to fit with the majority: I am a scorpio-scorpio if you are into astrology...I am rat in the Chinese Astrology...7 is my numerology theme. Even my blood type is «0 negative»: I was not meant to be a people pleaser. Thank God, I am at least a universal blood donor, giving me some kind of value in our society!
And since I'm a Quebecer too, believe me: I am not merely biologically programmed and capable of writing 20 paragraphs praising whatever you feel like I should be able to do. Maybe I'm suffering from the French Resistance Genetic Syndrome without even knowing it.
But I do get that this is what the vast majority wants to hear..needs to hear.
Me too, it makes me feel good to see a woman on tv, always wearing tight white pants, happily dancing and jumping around, telling me how good her tampon makes her feel and makes her forget about the fact that she has her period.
Gossshhhhhh...! Do I wish I could feel just like her every single months.
A magic wand capable of absorbing the river of life that was not created for that cycle; capable of lightening your 4 tons uterus, taking away the cramps. Obviously even the bad mood is regulated by the filtration of unbalanced hormones, making you feel like Miss Canada. And yes it's good to believe that a tampon can make you feel so accomplished and joyful.
I get that we all need to believe in the existence of a little magic. Sure, I could be using sarcasm and humor to tell you that there are many «positive aspects» about PTSD in a fortress: my husband loves my humor.
I could explain to you how I'm always «protected» and how he was desperate about the time I use to take before being able to identify quickly where my «4 o'clock was», as I have no sense of orientation.. none.
I could also talk his non-apparent but sooooo effective authority..when the time we thought my wallet was stolen waiting to cross the security gate at Calgary airport and he had the officers stopped everything and watch the surveillance videos.. while the wallet was in my backpack the whole time...
I could also describe how he will make anything shine so efficiently that from the beginning, I GAVE (yes, it was my call) him the responsibility of cleaning the bathrooms and how it was a running gag between us when I met him: «Thank you Canadian Forces for teaching my husband how to clean a toilet better than a woman! You were trained to do this, Baby!»
Yep, at one point in my life it was my civilian (condescending, maybe..) humor.. But as much as humor can be a sign that something is «behind us»..it could also mean «avoidance». It depends on the context.
I'm not here to bullshit you: the question is important and fundamental. What could I say so positive about PTSD, as vet's spouse, as a caregiver that could substantiate such an emotional position?
No, I don't believe that a tampon could fill me with joy and a sense of accomplishment. But I do believe it's a plaster to ease the down effects of what Mother Nature made us to be, beautiful and perfect biologically speaking. Unique by our DNA yet, so similar. Unicity-Individuality-Similarity.
You see? For everything you might need to hear, I will be your party pooper by reminding you that I don't believe in magic wands but I believe in «empowerment» (or is it «empower»? I'm never sure..), united by our desire to love and to be loved.
Yes, I believe in the power of love as a powerful additive to an engine.. But I also happen to believe that there is a driver who presses on the gas pedal. We all drive our own cars...
See? Party pooper. Scorpio-Scorpio-Rat-7-O negative.
So what would be my answer?
It's worth it if you don't give up;
It makes you stronger if you work hard to accept it, deal with it and assume it;
It makes you a better person if you decide to make the best out of it;
Time heals the wound at some level if you take the time to heal the wound.
The real secret ingredient?
To me, it's not love.
You must be surprised to hear me say this, don't you?
Do you want to know what I strongly believe in?
Hope allows Life to give us what we need to grow; Hope allows Love to make the miracles happen;
Hope gives a reason to live, to continue the battles, to never give up. Hope is a light when everything is dark.
Hope is developed through bad experiences and challenges: it's a surviving mode that needs to be developed from within.
No need to write 20 paragraphs on the subject, as I can resume it in one single sentence:
My husband's PTSD taught me to be..positive. The dark has been so dangerously dark lately..the question was so elementary and so fundamental:what is positive about this relationship? What makes me want to say?
Since my husband's blood type is A+..I'm O-....
B+ must be Rambo's contribution.
B+ = Hope.
Hope is real.