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Dear Veterans Affairs Canada,
I am writing this letter to inform you that Klode and I have reached the end of the road, as a couple. It took us a while to be able to share the news publicly. I have to say that this is probably the hardest blog to write, yet, I feel peace inside. In fact, a lot of my peace comes from him. So as soon as our fortress is sold, we will be going our separate ways. He will always remain a Veteran but I won't be a Vet's Spouse anymore.
It's me, Jenny Migneault, who fell a few feet from the Finish Line. I consider myself to be fair when it comes to assuming my own responsibilities but I am confident about the fact that you are the one responsible for killing the passion I had for years for the man who stole my heart 14 years ago.
Delay. Deny. Die.
The cost is real. The impacts are real in so many ways. God knows Klode and I tried to tell you. We went through battles, as a couple, nobody can imagine to be where we are today. But it sounds like your bosses, including their heartless staff, believed that I was a joke. My husban's pain is not a joke, nor my family's. It took me years to realize that even I was worth something and most importantly, I was human too.
I lost my financial stability to you; I lost my mental health because of you, I became isolated because of you. Every single time you abandoned my husband, you abandoned our family and you let me deal of the impacts of the anger dealing with you is generating.
One day, I will write a book and you can be sure that I will describe precisely in what circumstances I died before your eyes on June 1st when I testified before the Senate sub-committee, after I announced I left my husband the same morning.
My last breathe expired when I had to come back that same night because of my husband's completely fuckep up state of mind and psychiatric crisis created by my departure. Although I said to Rambo the same morning :"If I leave alone, I am not coming back". And I didn't want to come back.
Except for my 19 years old son who dealt with him. " You are not a caregiver, he texted me. You are an "I don't care". There is a fucking disaster happening here". I couldn't let my child deal with this and I knew I was the only one who could handle him and help him get some kind of a grip on reality.
I came back that same night at midnight. After a sleepless night, a 3 hours drive to Ottawa, an hour meeting with a Senator, a testimony at the sub-committee, a meeting with an MP, 2 interviews and another 3 hours drive, I came back as "a caregiver".
The Vet's Spouse never came back because of you. And you truly believe that the Caregiver Relief Benefit was the ultimate answer? Let's give Klode 7200$ to shut her up?
2 months ago, he asked his case manager for me to have sessions with a psychologist. He is still waiting. I should say that he is not anymore but because of his anger, he threw a fit when he saw his case manager last week. He told her she was incompetent. He left crying his anger.
I listened to him. That's all he needed. That's all I can do to help him calm down and not let his anger ruin his day as much as possible. I convinced him that I will be fine.. that's it's too late, now..after reminding him that the last time, we waited 5 months for the same approval.
Last week, I also accompanied him to another appointment to the sleep apnea doctor. It was ridiculous to be asked, once again, when his nightmares first occurred, if he was snoring between the age of 20-30...
Once again, that doctor had to determine of his sleep apnea is related to his PTSD or not in order for my husband to be pensioned. That is, of course, after you paid him a machine, a first sleep evaluation in 2007 ( and no one ever saw the results...) and that this condition was evaluated because it was asked by your own psychiatrist a couple of years ago, once again. The same who ordered the first one in 2007. Your psychiatrist also waited 4-5 more years before ordering a new one, although he was seeing him every 6 weeks (and also took 6 years to meet me...).
The sleep apnea doctor was angry too..at you. She explained that she takes her weekend to read files in order to fill out what she considers to be ridiculous forms to answer an inefficient system. She was not surprised that my husband didn't fill out the paperwork he was sent and asked to fill out before the appointment. Yes, she sees the damage you do to people like my husband and thank God, along the way, we find good people. Never the less, before my husband realized that she was not an enemy, I had to intervene a couple of times between them to make sure that one would understand that the doctor was not an enemy and the other that Rambo was the one answering her questions. When he left, my husband apologized for his attitude and thanked her for her patience. I was proud of him. This is the new man: the good man is getting stronger than Rambo.
It's a good thing. With the VRAB appeal concerning a decision that will have an impact on his quality of life: he could get access to hearing aids\masking devices he has been fighting for 8 years that would change his world..You will never realize how much your Quality of Life forms make no sense coming from you. YOU are the first to prevent the healing process to happen.
Medical cannabis is another example.
A lot of Rambo, over the years, came from you. You are the one who is keeping him in the darkness. Only I know what was the cost of all the medication you expected him to take while he could have chosen medical cannabis.
Are you surprised that I will start talking about it in French? About the radical positives impacts it had into our fortress???
Because you didn't listen to him and he should have had a choice, you let me deal with a veteran with PTSD who decided to quit his medication cold turkey to turn to medical cannabis: I saw it coming..didn't you? I, for sure, did. When I asked your psychiatrist (I convinced my husband to let me call him because he refused to go the appointment in the morning.. if I could call in case "something big happens", I was told that I was limited in the help they could provide me, because of the policies. Basically, the answer was "yes but no".
Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue didn't give a shit about me. They abandoned me perfectly knowing that I was living with a veteran with PTSD in full detox. And you, Veterans Affairs, took more than 6 weeks before you approved my husband's prescription for medical cannabis.
Thank you very much. Thank you, on the other hand, for the medical cannabis.
Thank you also for the help that was sent to us to help us with the paperwork. Last February, I explained to your case manager that I couldn't do it anymore. That I was completely exhausted and needed a break. I also felt like Klode was going through a positive empowering process. Not only did she never helped with the paper works in months -although she saw that we went through serious water damage in the house, having a greater financial stress on us- but on top of it, when she visited Klode into our fortress she was not educated about PTSD and the invisible uniform, obviously.
June 10th. She is the only one who get access to our fortress, a week after I came back. I was praying that she would push you to allow him to see a psychologist like he demanded on June 3rd.. Right after Klode told her that I left the previous week, that he tried to have an appointment with the only persone he trusted (his psychologist), that he called his doctor to have a prescription to help him calm down, that he was having huge emotional spasmes that would make him scream and was taking walks 5 times a day (which he never did before):
She concluded the meeting by kissing him on the cheek, reminding him that it was not easy and she was always available for him, day and night. Never asked about my son and I.
Instead of listening to my husband who just wanted to see his psychologist in a middle of a crisis, everybody (the case manager, your help that came to home, ...) tried to convince my husband that HE needed therapy couple on June 12th. Me? I don't know since no one talked to me since February...we were now in June. So I had to fight you, once more. And I am fighting the provincial system as well.. as she is under investigation. I think provincial people are a little afraid when they deal with you.. a lot of money involved, huh?
So I had to start an entire new battle with l'Ordre des psychoéducateurs du Québec. I know you are aware, as I cc'd Minister O'Toole and his loyal staff.
Yes, VAC. In the next few months, you should hear from me from another perspective.. Never the less, we proved our point June 29th. My husband, between June 1st and July 1st lost 40 pounds. I picked him up while I was already dead. Every day, you buried the Vet's Spouse a little deeper by abandoning me while I was perfectly understanding what was going on and what was suppose to happen..your part, Veterans Affairs.
My husband is a beautiful warrior. The best person I know. My best friend.
I want you to know that as long as he wants me by his side after we physically split, I will always be there. Klode and I had a good laugh about the fact since I would no longer be his wife and will have a new address, he will be able to pay me to accompany him. Isn't it funny that a neighbor can be paid..but not his wife or children? If my Vet's Spouse title didn't mean anything to you, I am happy to report that I will be honored to become his friendly neighbor so you can pay me what you don't pay me now.
I said that my peace comes from him. I meant it. When I fell in love with him 14 years ago, I fell in love for the man he was with me..the man behind his invisible uniform and PTSD. I wasn't wrong and he proves it, once again. He is putting every efforts to support me and to help me create something I will be able to live from eventually. He won't let me down or my children. We are both determine to deliver the message about the fact that it is possible to survive PTSD.
We might not be a couple.. but we are partners in crime: we will make the best out of it. We are both determine to help, together or individually, like the team we always have been.
That's how much of a man he is: loving me by giving me my wings.
Impacted. Damaged. Solitary.
You left me in a very bad shape, Veterans Affairs Canada..but I'll fix myself. One day at the time.
I might no longer be a Vet's Spouse..but I will remain an advocate.
You won't be done dealing with the monster you created.